Spontaneity

Well, shit.
The one time I make a decision for myself, by myself, it blows up in my face. Or, more correctly, on my head. I cut my hair and now I look ridiculous. I look like a 10-year-old boy and I've lost all my curls. Why oh why did I decide to cut my hair, you ask? Well, I hated my hair. I hated the shape of my hair, I hated my bangs, I hated the length. I just wanted something DIFFERENT. I looked online, made an appointment and voila! I cut it off.

And I liked it at first. It was cute, edgy, completely different. But once I started getting other people's opinions, I doubted myself. My mother hates it-she said I look like a child-and Sean thinks I look cute (I think he's lying but whatever). I think everyone who told me I looked good was just telling me that to be nice and then snickered off to tell their friends how ugly I looked. And then, I just kept looking at myself and starting seeing a boy, a child, nothing unique at all. I simply thought it was because it was straight. Once my hair was curly, it would be me again. I would look better. I wouldn't look so childish, I wouldn't look like a boy. But it won't curl. All of my curls are GONE!

I guess I blame myself. I wished for straight hair my whole life, and now I've finally got my wish. But it's ugly. I look disgusting. I don't look edgy or cute or stylish. I look ridiculous. I'm embarrassed to go to class or anywhere. I don't want people to see me because I feel like I'm not myself anymore. I don't have curly, long hair. It's short and straight and will be for a long, long time. My hair grows so slowly...I won't have normal hair for at least two or three years. And if I want to grow it out, I'll have to go through the ugly growth stages of flippy shoulder-length hair and I don't want to deal with that.

WHAT WAS I THINKING?! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE STOP ME? WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY SAY "SERENA, YOU'LL LOOK STUPID!" ??? I guess I wouldn't have listened, but maybe I would've. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

That's what I get for doing something for myself. It's happened before and it went badly, but I will try to turn it into something positive. Hopefully something good will come out of this. Now I know I will never cut my hair so short and I will never make a decision by myself again. I can't be accountable for myself or another human being...

But I did look cute for a little while, in my defense. At least, I think so.

migraine/insomnia

i have some sort of insomnia, which is really weird since i usually can fall asleep in about ten minutes flat. i felt like writing may make me sleepy.

i watched the first wives club back-to-back. it makes me feel good for some reason. i love the goldie hawn, dianne keaton and bette midler combination so much. plus all the "it's the 90s!" references. :) it's such a good, girl power movie. and i wish my mom would have done that to my dad, but it didn't come out in time. too bad.

anyway, a movie about a presidency just came on bravo and it made me miss living in DC. i miss walking by the capitol every day, getting off at union station and seeing the postal service museum and all the violin playing bums, and walking around georgetown late at night with my roommates. i don't necessarily miss the classes or my professors but i miss the experience and i wouldn't trade it for the world. i miss my bosses too. glenda and lori were such nice women and they were so patient with me and i felt like i finally got to know them right before i left. eight weeks isn't long enough!

i was looking for publishing jobs tonight (since i had nothing else to do) and it looks like i'll have to move to new york or london...i've never been to london but i think i'll settle for new york right now. there are incredible jobs and internships out there in book publishing and i don't know how well it pays but hey, i'm willing to completely uproot myself and find out! i want to read and write for a living. :)

speaking of internships, i got an email from our career center about a possible internship with AP (associated press...) for this summer. it's a paid internship ($880 a week!) and it's in LA, which is what i'm looking for. the only thing about the internship is that it's super competitive..they only offer 22 spots. i'm not sure if that's nation- or bureau-wide, but i'm assuming nation to be on the safe side. and i don't have any written clips to send, which is what they want. i have about 3 news packages...i could make more...but i don't WANT to do broadcast. i want to write! so i think i'll email the guy and tell him what i'm interested in and ask if i should apply. i also have to talk to my mom and see if i should apply. the only written samples i have are school work i've done. once i'm on the daily titan (our school newspaper) next semester, i should have tons of clips, but the application is due by the middle of november at the latest. maybe it's not in the cards for me. but working for AP would be incredible!!

ah, my lap is on fire and i have to pee. it's time for me to go to bed anyway.
andrea, i hope you're having an incredible weekend. i wish i could be there. i miss you. <3